In this rp Espara goes looking for a new Gaidin for Estel (see: In the Cause of Sisterhood) and finds more than she bargined for.
Together in all these memories
I see your smile
All of the memories I hold dear
Darling, you know I’ll love you
till the end of time
“Memories” by Within Temptation
~For the player of Auron, Espara’s Best Friend and Late Warder, who I wish would find us here!
Drawing breath and marching across the warder yard she absently packed tobacc into her pipe. She hadn’t been down here since the day Auron died. There was a reason why, and honestly, now that she was here she wished she hadn’t put her nose so deeply into Estel’s problems. There was something to helping others heal their wounds that always managed to remind you of your own.
Putting the stump of her corn-cob pipe into her teeth, she drew in breath and channeled a bit of fire to light it. Drawing in the deep two-rivers flavor into her lungs, the tingle she felt there mixing with the morning air, helped her stay focused. There were a lot of young, strong, men and women down here and while she never would have said this when she first found Estel, what the woman needed most now was a friend. A new Warder, a young one with no ambition to race off into the world to fight and endanger themselves, might help solidify the ground beneath her. Sadly, finding such a creature might prove more difficult than just shopping for melons.
Her breeches today were a bit more fancy than the ones she wore on a normal day. Today she had to be seen for who she was, respected, and so it was that the richly embroidered dark blue wool pants were brought out. Leaves and vines ran down either side of her pant legs on the outsides and disappeared into the top of highly polished, but well-worn, black leather riding boots. A simple white shirt rested beneath a darker blue one with gold trim on the collar and at the wrists, to match the gold buttons that went down the front. On her shoulders and across her back, for the first time in quite a while, rest her shawl. She hated wearing it here in the Tower. It made her feel like she had something to prove, like she was some newly raised girl still, though no one would dare call a Sitter such.
A few of the young boys began taking notice of her, some even paying less attention to their fighting as they should have been. Clearly the Mistress of Training would notice their short comings and they’d spend the day at some terrible work-out that would remind them not to stand around like flaming fools oogling every Sedai without a warder who happened to pass by.
Oh, she knew this would be the way of it… she’d spent all of Auron’s life running about the world fighting the Shadow and for Justice. Her & Auron’s adventures were nigh legend to recruits, it’s what many of them came here looking for… to be the sword for a woman who wasn’t afraid to go where the most danger lay. Perhaps they thought that she’d finally mourned enough, that she could simply pick up another warder as if they were horses bought at fair; or that maybe she was ready to adventure again and leave the Hall behind… but no, she was far too old for such childish notions now. Better to leave the making of legends to those who had the energy and heart for it. Espara a’Dautry’s days of adventuring were over.
The Mistress of Training was giving a boy an earful about his lack of focus and Espara found herself stopping. The woman, clearly a good age still but respected, well… she hadn’t ever bonded… had she? Espara smiled. Likely the woman was the desire of every sister without a warder but not just anyone could ask the Mistress of Training to take up the cloak of a warder for them… but maybe she, a sitter, could? It was for a good cause after all and if not her, perhaps she knew the man who would best suit her sister’s needs.
Yes, that was the answer. With that Espara marched towards the Mistress of Training considering carefully just what she’d have to say to the woman.
Letting the woman make her remarks, waiting politely for her to finish, she continued to speak. “I’d like to trouble you for a bit of a conversation, nothing urgent really, but important to me on a more personal level. If time would allow for it today, I’d love to join you for lunch?” Warders always were more amendable with a flagon in their hand and meat in their bellies.
“I assure you that our initial talk, assuming you wish to continue speaking with me about the matter, shouldn’t take terrible long. The Light willing between the two of us we might find a resolution to this matter and do right by someone who could use a good dose of positive in her life right now. What do you say to it then? Steer and Stien has some of the best cuts in town and personally, I happen to be a fan of a good steak…”
Steer and Stien indeed had a good reputation, although Nikita thought they served too ample a wine even in the early hours of the day. It didn’t really matter though as she never drank alcohol anyway. She’d done so in her younger years naturally. Life as a Tower Guard more often than not led you to a tavern or two. But when she’d started training in earnest, and had set achieving the Master, and later even the Grand Master position as her goal, she’d abstained from most of the unhealthy substances. It had taken getting used to, but she didn’t know any better now and frankly, Nikita tried to convince most of her trainees to start out as healthy as possible. She kept a stern watch on their intake and more than one trainee had found himself dunked headfirst into the river in the Ogier Grove after a night of squanderous drinking.
“I don’t suppose that would be a problem, Aes Sedai. I can postpone my work for the day to tomorrow. If you allow me to freshen up a little first? I don’t think my current attire would be very fitting for an establishment like Steer and Stien.” The onset of a smile graced her face as she pointed to her dusty shoes, sweaty tunic and greasy hands.
“Please, Espara will be fine while not in offical company such as Mother or the Hall.” Looking down at the woman’s boots and gear Para couldn’t help but to return the smile. “Of course I’ll wait for your return. I’ll meet you near the front gates.” With that Espara gave a friendly nod to the Mistress and made her way back across the yards to wait.
The gates were a strange place to stand as a sister. Sometimes people avoided you out of fear, often visitors, some came to you looking for answers and help. It was a place to observe the comings and goings of people from all over the world with a thousand stories to share. Espara liked to imagine who the people were and why they’d come or what they’d gotten before leaving. These stories helped pass the quiet moments until Nikita was there beside her. She’d hardly heard the woman approach at all, she’d been so lost in thought.
Turning with a smile, her pipe long since smoked and gone back into her pouch, Espara motioned towards the main street of Tar Valon. “I was happy to hear of your return to your position of instruction here at the Tower. Auron spoke kindly of you before his passing, of course you were younger then, as we all were. Still, I’ve always been happy to see women commanding respect on the training feilds as they do in the Tower. Too few people in our world realize how truly capable a woman can be even if she doesn’t wield the one power.”
Talking a comfortable pace, Espara felt that making conversation on the way there might be a good way to warm things up. “Are there many female trainees these days?”
A quick dip of her face and hands in the washstand, her scimitar sheathed to her side and her purse in place, the Tower Guard cloak around her shoulders, and she was in and out of her quarters in under fifteen minutes.
Espara was waiting at the gates as she’d promised, pipe firmly clenched between her teeth. It was still an odd sight, a woman smoking – and unhealthy but Nikita knew better than to comment on that one. Espara seemed easy-going enough, but she still remained an Aes Sedai and a Sitter, and an unfamiliar one at that.
Espara broached the subject of her return to her former position, and Nikita smiled. She muchly enjoyed the training of the young ones, always had, and as such it was no sacrifice that she would have to give up most travel outside of Tar Valon. Namandar was the last real skirmish she’d seen – and that had been enough to last her a lifetime, until Tar’Mon Gai’don naturally.
“Right now, we have our fair share of female trainees. We even have one who seemingly can’t decide whether she wants to be an Aes Sedai or a Tower Guard. I guess the Tower will decide that for her, but I am not sure whether that notion has dawned on her yet.” She chuckled. “I don’t think there really is any difference in being male or female while training or being trainer, to be blunt. Females have proven their worth as Warders a thousand times over, and with both the Mistress of Trainees and the Master at Arms being women, they hardly can see past us anyhow.”
Male Aes Sedai however – turning the tables around would probably not be the best of ideas, the mention of male channelers would have any Sedai on edge, not only the Reds. She glossed over it and pointed to one of the establishments coming up on the horizon. “Isn’t that the Steer and Stien? It’s been a long time since I’ve been here.”
When Nikita didn’t order a drink, Espara was quick to pipe up, “Don’t hold yourself back on my account. I don’t mind if you enjoy a beverage with your steak. Light knows I would endulge were it not for my duties later.” She chuckled but stopped short when Nikita explained she didn’t ‘endulge.’ That was odd but, again, probably good for Estel all told. Drink made the mind slow and sad, that was the last thing she needed to be exposed to.
When the man was finally gone from the room it was then, over drinks, that Para felt it was time to begin her discussion with Nikita. “I know it’s the height of … shall we say, ill manners, to bluntly discuss the matter of taking the title Gaidin with one who is not yet Gaidin or may have had no plans to become such. We Sisters do not throw around the term with lightness, it’s an honor that deserves respect and reverence as much as the title Aes Sedai.”
Espara sipped her tea and then calmly continued. “However, when a Sister loses her Brother, it is something that is never handled well more so when a Sister loses not one but three brothers in short order. I can not pretend that you do not know the rumors of Estel, my Blue Sister, so I’ll despense with the subterfuge. The fact of the matter is, that as her Sister, I feel compelled to help her overcome this recent pain and find her feet once more. Sometimes the best way to do that is to step back to the place you fell and find joy again. For some Sisters, as with any woman, the journey through life alone is a difficult one and a friend and partner makes all the difference.”
Placing her cup down on it’s saucer, Espara shifted in her chair to be more comfortable, only then realzing she hadn’t said a curse word in almost an hour. She scarsely kept from that bad habit, even in the Hall of the Tower, apparently this task with Estel meant a great deal more to her than she’d realized!
“Now, I suppose what I’ve come to you about is… simply put, that I have a hope that you might be considering taking up a duty as a Gaidin in the future. Perhaps not right away, I would expect that this is quite a shock and I’d not want you to say yes or no on the spot… such things are not done without due consideration and dedication. However, if it is that you could consider such a duty for your own, Estel does have many strengths that I think you may appriciate. And, if you can not accept such a duty… surely it’s not for all, then it’s my hope that you know a gentleman of younger age who would be capable and honored to be offered such a chance to get to know a Sedai in need of his talents.”
Nikita ordered no ale to juxtapose Espara’s tea, and when the Aes Sedai commented on this, Nikita explained why she didn’t drink alcohol. Espara seemed to take it in stride and quickly cut to the chase.
When she was done explaining her plight, Nikita sat back in her chair and studied the woman sitting across from her. Her mind was a turmoil, but her face told little, and when the owner came back with the ordered steaks and served them out, the silence stretched even further. Nikita cut a piece of her steak and put it in her mouth, chewing, savoring the taste of it – Steer and Stien did it’s reputation justice time and time again – and watched whether the Aes Sedai was showing any since of being uncomfortable already. But Aes Sedai faces belied little. Light, what was she to do with this woman?
Speaking her mind was what she did eventually.
“I have never been bonded, nor did I really plan to be bonded in the very near future. I recognize that a lot of my trainees are under my tutelage not only for their training, but also because of their keen wish to be a companion to a servant of all. Yet I do not think that such a service can be freely asked for, especially not when it sounds as if it would be to patch up a wound. My trainees are not puppies you can buy when your old dog has died. Aes Sedai.” She added the epithet in an afterthought – realizing she’d almost forgotten. Anger did that to her, and while she usually kept her emotions in check she did start to feel the first stirrings of anger. What did the woman think these trainees and Tower Guards were? Band-aids?
Abruptly she dropped her cutlery next to her plate. “I do not think it would be a good idea. A bond is not something to go about lightly. I’ve not experienced it before but from what I hear, it is more than sharing a duty to the world. It is a sharing of minds, of emotions, of feelings. What makes you think a new Warder would serve to patch up a hole in an Aes Sedai’s heart, instead of encompassing the new Warder in it’s bleakness, thus creating hell on earth for both?”
Where her face had been cool and calm as a still pond in spring before, now it hid nothing of her outrage. “How bloody dare you…” She muttered as the woman finished. “NEVER,” she stressed the word, but did not yell it. “…ever…” she tried to calm herself. “compare a Gaidin to a flaming dog even to spite a flaming Aes Sedai who you think has disrespected your profession and honor.”
She leaned cross her plate and had half a mind to paddle the bottom of the woman with the one power as she might a novice. “Aurn was…” She swallowed hard, pushing the lump in throat down. It was then she realized she was quickly making this about herself and not Estel.
Standing up from the table she walked across the empty room to look out it’s small window, a good excuse to calm herself and not meet the other woman’s eyes. Sighing audibly, she let herself relax, no… forced herself to.
“Forgive me.” She spoke evenly, after a long silent moment. “No matter how wrong you were to speak in such a way… you’re a peer in the fight for the Light. You have earned the right to defend the boys and girls you train, even if the defense was not needed. I was wrong to raise my voice at you, I’m afraid … unlike you… I do have some personal understanding and experience with this very situation and so, I let your remarks mark me too personally. I’ll see Mother about a pennance when I return to the Tower, you deserve respect Mistress of Trainees… and you’ll get it if I have to birch myself in order to not do this again.”
“The bond…” She began softly, “You should know more about it… as you note that you’re training men and women who have this as a goal. I think that it would suit you well to have a few lessons about it, just so you have a general idea of how these things work.” Turning back to the woman, her face emotionless again.
“Have you schedule sent to me, an accepted can surely find me when you’ve completed it, and we’ll work out a time for us to meet. You clearly have some misconceptions that could stand to be cleared up a bit both for your future dealings with Aes Sedai and Gaidin, and for educating your young charges properly.”
Looking at her steak she hated that it would go to waste but, now, she had no stomach for it. “I fear I have lost my urge to dine. Feel free to enjoy your meal and dessert, the owner will send me the bill.” Again a short nod to the woman, this time hints of her shame touching her eyes, and then Espara made for the door.
She also rose, the steak forgotten, the nice view on the avenue no longer of interest. She had not intended her words to hit home, yet she had not known either that there was a tender spot in Espara to beat away at. The outburst completely caught her offguard, and yet, somehow, she was glad for it. Aes Sedai were people after all, even though sometimes they were hard to find under that layer of ageless veneer.
“But Espara Sedai, don’t you see? If even such a casual remark can ignite such a spark in you – you, who have not lost three warders but one, and who seem to be of a very stable mind – can you imagine what is going on in the mind of your friend? Can you really imagine her bonding another Gaidin, a young one, maybe an inexperienced one, and hope that it will heal her wounds? I really think they would drag eachother down and be the worst for it.”
She groped for words – talking was not one of her stronger suits but she found it important this time that she formulate what she thought in tones and words that would not offend. She sensed a tremendous amount of pain in the other, and that was never something to handle lightly.
“Call me Nikita. Mistress of Training is such a formal way of addressing me – although I do understand it creates a much-needed distance maybe. And yes, I would like to know more about the bond – but not if it pains you to talk about it. I did not intend this meeting to end in a excercise of torture. If you want to do this, do it on your own behalf, not mine. Please?”
That Ter’angreal, what was the name of it… rings of some sort, mimiced a bond. Must see about them for this lesson…
“Trust it’s not torture though, speaking of Auron or the bond isn’t a torture… he was my dearest friend and companion, a shame he could not have aged with me instead of ahead of me.” She smiled despite the sadness in her eyes. “Always like him… rushing off ahead to check the path for us.”
She looked at the floor. “We each deal with our pain in our own ways, Nikita. For me it was enough to find work to distract me, even if I think of him daily and will forever… just as I do my lost family and sisters who have gone on before me. We are the sum of our experiences… good and bad.”
Meeting her eyes again, “Estel is stronger than any six women I know, but she has no real talent for making friends with women at all. She chose to bond a friend who was old, she knew the price of that choice and that it would come due eventually; but there are some choices we make in this life that we know will cost us dear, and the choice is so important no cost could ever matter. Bonding again won’t make her forget what she’s lost, but… and Light help me I am trusting a lot in you by saying this…” She wet her lips. “it will help her remember there is something to move forward for.”
Reaching back she grabs the door handle, “Give me that time to show you, let me offer you a chance to see how this works in whatever way I can find short of bonding you myself… and then we’ll talk more about help Estel, if you can be made to see my side of things. If not…” she hated giving her word on this, but there seemed no other way. “If not then I’ll not bother with your men and women, I’ll respect your judgement for them and leave well enough alone.”
Extending her hand, “Can we have an accord then?”
